Just Because...

http://www.glumbert.com/media/midgetwrestling.html

http://www.engrish.com/



THE SITES BELOW ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR MOTHERS AT ALL.
THESE SITES ARE WORSE THAN AN IRVIN WELSH NOVEL (but bloody funny) :
DO NOT VIEW WHILST AT WORK UNLESS YOU HAVE A VERY, VERY, LIBERAL BOSS.

http://www.fazed.co.uk/bangkok.html

http://www.mangosauce.com/archives/000014.html

Got any more?

Delirium, Bears, and Immigration

So i was going to tell you about my personal troubles but it seems some of you find the little details "gross" and "grimy", ooooooh! well fine! i shall keep them to myself! Suffice it to say i've had to run out of this internet cafe twice since i've been here... not feeling well AT ALL. On the plus side i've lost a LOT of weight over the past 2 days of not eating... I had to run around in the shower yesterday to try and get wet. (By the way I haven't eaten for 2 days and only slept for 4 hours the past 2 nights so may be a little delirious, please excuse any lack of coherence and lucidity in this post)

The waterfalls in luom pabengh (omygod, i'm glad none of the locals are looking over my shoulder - that is SUCH bad spelling and i've actually been there now so there's no excuse) were, as expected, spectacular... well you can't really expect stuff like that, it's just mind-boglingly beautiful, was a little strange walking round on me tod tho. I was s'posed to go with a bunch of belgiums but they still weren't up at bloody 10am (i'd been waiting since 8am) so i set out on me own cos i had to be back to get the bus to vien vingh bling blong blah blah.
It was strange cos i got there before all the tourists... and everyone in the world it seemed, and was wondering round and climbing big hills with very, very big trees and very big leaves and birds or monkeys or something making those squawking sounds like in the jurassic park jungle, and i actually got quite scared! Didn't help that there was some bears and a tiger prowling round in cages at the bottom of the park - what if they broke free? Seriously, bears are fuckin scarey man! like, you can't run away from them can you? with a tiger you could run up a tree and throw sticks at him from above, or jump in the deep water and tread water for a bit, splashing him from afar and laughing, but bears.... they can run fast, they can climb well, they can swim well, and they have like BIG pointy, sharp teeth and claws... i'm gonna stop talking about them now cos i get scared. Then there's the problem of how to look after your stuff whilst swimming when travelling alone, i waded over to an island and dumped it there before heading to the waterfalls, ain't no one touching my preeeecioussssss (digital camera).

I've now arrived back in bangkok on koh san road, it's 7.19am and i have to wait for hannah to wake up and email me instructions on what to do now! thank the lord for hannah! yey! never, ever am i travelling solo again! i just don't have the mental capacity to think ahead, as the following trip from laos to bangkok will prove.

I wanted to get back to bangkok from Laos ASAP cos we're supposedly having a CELTA survivors re-union this weekend, and i think this marred my judgement a little. I got the bus at 1.30pm from vin vien to vientien to then get a train to bangkok. I didn't book the train, just thought i'd turn up (nooooo! hindsight's a shitty shitty thing ain't it?). Arrived at vientien at 5.35, and the bus over the border left at 5.30, I think the bloke actually tried to get me onto the bus as i got off my bus and i was like, "no thank-you, i know where i'm going" well... you get so many blokes accosting you: 'where you go? you want tuk tuk? you want taxi? you want sexy DVD?'. Anyway, so i went back to the hostel i stayed at and the owner 'kindly' drove me to the border (extortionate price! 4 quid!! doesn't sound much but to put it into perspective my 3 and a half hour journey cos a quid less than this 20 minute one). So after queuing for aaages i try to go through immigration - by the way, that is such a larf over here! they're all outdoors and i'm sure if i wanted i could run round the back of the building and sneak into thailand without a passport!! i saw a stray dog saunter through the barrier! was dead jealous. Anyway turns out i haven't filled out the entry form so have to go get one and queue up AGAIN, it's now 6.33 and the train leaves at 7.20. I finally get through and smuggle 15kgs of cocaine with a street value of 15m into the country...well, i COULD have if i'd wanted, no dogs, no frisking, didn't even look at my back pack, the 'security' just carried on smoking as i went through.
And there's a shuttle bus to the train station so i pay and spot the one western-looking person in the place (an old french guy) and run over to him, and i'm like
'where you off to?'
'the train station'
'bangkok?'
'yes' (i breath a sigh of relief, i'm not the only one)
'oh, me too!! do you have a ticket?'
'i am afraid no, and i only have 30 minutes, i don't know if i will make it'
'OH!! ME TOO!!' (See? i'm not the only clueless traveller!)
'So can i pay in kip at the train station?' i ask (kip is laos currency, baht is thai)
'no' (looks at me a little strange) 'this is thailand... baht... you do have baht don't you?'
'um... no, i forgot to get some'(yes, i AM the only cluless traveller in the WORLD)
'So, how you buy ticket?'
'Um, i thought there would be a ATM at the station'
'no'
'oh'
Silence. I ponder asking him to lend me the money, I ponder whether they will have switch at the station (no chance) i ponder selling my preeeeeciousssss (no chance) i ponder climbing onto the top of the train unseen and holding on for dear life for 8 hours.
So i get the shuttle anyway, and enter thailand, then when i get out of arrivals there's no westerners around! a bloke goes 'tuk tuk' and i'm like
'YES PLEASE! THANK-YOU SOOOOO MUCH! i need an ATM and a train to bangkok'
'200 baht to bus station'
'no' i shout louder 'the TRAIN station'
He laughs at me, it's like 7.10pm and there's no way i'm getting on that 7.20 train
'ok, ok bus station, um, i only have kip'
Gives me a look like i'm crazy. Then a guard from the immigration comes over, and i explain i have only 200 kip and i need a bus to bangkok, so he takes my kip off me and gives me 400 baht, which i'm grateful for, but am thinking maybe i was a TAD shortchanged. He sends me off in the 'free' tuk tuk, i'm now seriously worried, don't know where i am or owt! but we go to an ATM and i draw out loads of bahts (not catching me out again!! ohhhhh no), then he takes me to the bus station and points me in the direction of a dodgy looking seller of tickets
'ticket to bangkok?' i ask
'no. Finished'
'oh'
Am feeling a little dejected and lost now, so i walk over to the buses thinking maybe i can stow away on one with bangkok on or something (not really mum, i could have just checked into a hostel!). A lady comes up to me.
'where you go?'
'um, bangkok please?' beginning to think maybe this is just a dream now and i'll never get there
'ok, 350 baht, this one leave at 7.30' (it's 7.33 and the bus is right next to me)
I could have KISSED this little lady!

Bat Cave

Well, i did it, i struck out on my own. I've left hannah in vien viang (or summat like that) cos she wanted to get back to bangkok and get a job... you can see the reason i let her go and headed north AWAY from bangkok? job? what's that then? scrrrrrew you guys, i'm going to northern laos.
Anyway, after a luxurious 6 hour journey with 2 whole seats to myself, and a man with a GUN infront of me!! no shit!! a BIG gun! apparently there's been ambushes by gangs on tour buses so they all have armed men on them! ... well the bloke on our bus must have been at least... 12!! he was younger than me!
Anyway, i have arrived and realised how much i relied on hannah: I have none of the rudimentary travellers provisions. I have no watch, no alarm clock (incase the bus leaves early), no lonely planet, and no map of where i am (loam pobang or something - this is a GROSS distortion of the spelling of the place but am looking around the internet cafe and there's no proper spelling so it'll have to do!). So yeah, missing han already, and currently pondering WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING HERE!! But apparently there's the most beautiful waterfall in the world here so, it had better be fricking amazing's all i can say!

Vien Viang, where we've just come from, was well good and is the most beautiful place on earth: there are panoramic mountains surrounding you 180 degrees (or should that be 360? anyway, you know when they go all the way round). Anyway, there's minimal beckham interference and just a LOT of smiley happy people, and the coolest river in the world. We went kayaking the day before yesterday, and the trip included a cave trip. This was not the main focus of the day so i thought it'd be a basic, here's a cave, go inside and take a photo and lets move on -type-jobey. Oh no. It was a cave filled with water which you had to swim into and climb up the beach. They then hand out candles to light your way (bearing in mind this is a water cave i was a bit mystified!) So this shallow beach in the cave leads to nowhere apart from a very low ceilinged cavern, like, 2 foot avove the ground, and i presumed that was it. Until the guide lies on the floor and starts roly polying along and disappears into the cavern shouting 'come on!'. Looks of excitement and terror pass over everyone's faces (in particular those of a larger stature). But we roly poly in and what follows is 40 minutes of rolling under stalagmites, climbing over stalagtites, freezing nervously as bats fly past at great speeds, and warily watching spiders the size of your hand sit quietly above as you walk through the cave lit by the candles.... nice!!
We then kayaked down the river and jumped off of lots of big stuff, and swung from ropes and that, and there was one swing where they pull you back over rocks and let you go and you jump off as you get over water... an american guy tries it and i've never seen, or heard, such a painful looking belly flop in my entire life!! he was red raw all down his ribs and on his cheek when he got out!
When we got to the end of the kayak bit we passed a part of the river that flows really fast, like i got in and swam as hard as i could upstream and still moved backwards... and there's LOADS of little kids in the water, washing their hair, washing the vegetables, and boarding passing kayaks paddled by westerners nearly sinking our kayak! bless 'em, they're so sweet...!
Anywhoo, my time is up and i have to go find food and find something to do for the evening... seriously, i need a lonely planet!! don't know anyone or where i am!! aaarrrggghhh! but we do get a free banana at the guesthouse i'm staying at.

And knocking Cambodia from the number one spot - Hanoi to Laos. The WORLDS worst bus journey EVER

So I thought the journey from bangkok to phnom pen was bad?? oooooooh noooooo, THAT was luxury compared to this devils journey from Vietnam to Laos. We set off at 7pm, due to arrive 10 hours later in vien in vietnam, where we would stay the night, get some rest, then go to laos from there... otherwise we'd have had to do 24 hours on a bus and that's just inhumane. Little did we know we would have no choice but to go straight through from capital to capital with no stop over! that's 24 FRICKIN HOURS on a bus journey with a retarded driver and a corrupt bus crew and lots of rude, rude vietnamese people (this is a guess at their nationality, and i'm not generalising about all vietnamese obviously, just most of them on this particular bus). So at the start of the journey it's not so bad, I think i slept from like 10pm to maybe 2am (can't remember, my brain has deleted access to the journey ,much as trauma victims often forget stressful events that are too painful to remember). I had 2 seats so was stretching out as much as poss, then, after packing them in from the start, bags piled at the back of the bus, ontop of the bus, and at the front of the bus MORE people get on at 3am, and me and han have got 2 seats to ourselves and feeling very smug, and i see these people preparing to get on the bus and i'm like "hannah! code red! intruders incoming, feign sleep!" so i turn my back on the aisle and make like i've been sleeping for ages and try to look soooooo asleep no one would dare wake me and ask to sit next to me, these seats are MINE... i think in my desperation to retain these 2 sleep-giving seats i dribbled a bit on the one that would have to be given up if the bus gets full. So i'm laid there, terrified of being asked to give up my luxurious extra seat, and i hear 3 people get on, and they find seats at the back but one of them can't find a seat(incidentally a belgium guy i'd met in hui). So i've got my eyes tight shut praying he'll ask han to shove over cos she's nearer the front, but no, i hear "excuse me, i'm very sorry but i must sit down" bless him! (i'm just laid there goin 'please don't be talking to me, please don't be talking to me, please, please don't be talknig to me' but he was. I couldn't believe my bad luck! having one seat guarantees horrible neck ache and no sleep (don't wanna drift off and wake up to find myself nestling on some strangers shoulder dribbling all over them!) and then i look over at han smugly recling in 2 seats, fast asleep, and i've never been so jealous! But that was just the start of the nightmare. So we realise at about 5am that there is no stop at Vien, (it turned out that that was where the extra people got on) we're going straight through from coutry to country and the guy who sold us the ticket was just nodding at us when we asked questions, and didn't really understand wot we were on aboot (again with the miscommunication!). We resigned ourselves to this, and looking at the countryside out the window at 7am was cool, winding through roads RIGHT on the edge of a cliff, in a valley of forsets on roads still being built in some areas! We go through immigration and these people on the bus had no idea of a queue! they just push in and elbow you out the way and then block you! buggers, i got the hang of it in the end tho and kneed an elderly lady out the way (... WHAT?!! She was the worst perpetrator at elbow digging!). Then we stop at a shyte-hole cafe for breakfast at 8am and i'm staaaarving by now but all there is is rice and some really manky looking poor chicken, so i bought some crisps, but there's this dog outside and only his front 2 legs work, and he wags his tail SO hard as you come toward him and looks so hungry i just had to share my crisps with him, thinking we'd be stopping for lunch sometime...an altruistic act i would ater regret when i was bloody starving. Then at about 12, after 17 hours on a bus with no air con, as the midday sun is at its worst and only mad dogs and englishmen and all that, the bus driver sees his mate on another bus and pulls over in the middle of nowhere and him and his cronies go and start chatting to the other buses crew and we're left like dogs in a hot car sweltering in the midday sun! most of us get out and just sit in the shade created by the bus, there's not even any bushes to go toilet behind, just arrid thorns which no man could traverse, and i was talking to the belgium guy and he said the driver and his mate came up to him and went "give me 10 dolla" and he was like "no, what for?" "ok then, just give me 4 dolla"..! and the guy says no, then they ask if he has a visa to get into laos, which he hasn't and they're like "you can't get into laos without one, give me 40 dolla and i get you one". Luckily the guy knew you could buy a visa at the border for a lot less and refused, but the cheek of it!! Glad i'm not travelling on me tod, i'd have just been like "ok" and given him 4 dolla thinking i'd got a bargain!! So then, at about 3pm we stop at a religious-type-shrine-thing where they leave offerings for budda and the driver gets off and goes over and lights an incense stick and prays for a bit!! AAARRRGGGHH! I've never felt so much animosity towards anyone! Then, when we finally get to vien, they drive THROUGH the town and dump us near a load of taxi's so we have to pay them to take us BACK to the centre! I've never been so tired and hungry and desperate for a shower, me and han couldn't decide which to do first, but food won in the end.

So now after a 3 hour journey today (bloody childsplay!!) we're in vientien and it's gorjus, and just to state, i retract my statement about all childern everywhere being evil. I was walking by the river today and a lad shouts "hello!" (they're not as used to seeing westerners in laos and they are sooooo friendly, you get a proper BEAM smile from everyone you make eye contact with! which makes you beam, and it spreads until everyone's walking around beaming at one another!! i smiled at one little lad cos he was carrying a chicken-type creature - i don't wanna prematurely call it a chicken cos it was bald and ugly as sin and just didn't look right - anyway he beamed back at me and lifted his eyebrows up and down which made me piss myself! it's a beautiful thing man!) so i shout HELLO THERE! Then he shouts " I love you!" so i return the compliment. He was only 6 but he restored my faith in lickle children.

Speaka da English?

We just did an overnight boat trip to Ha Lon Bay, of which we saw bugger all, they forgot to wake us at 6.30am so we missed the whole point of the frickin tour, and snoozed all the way past ha lon bay!! i was soooo angry i nearly let rip (god, that would be frightening i hear you say, an angry katy)... but they also didn't waken these 3 french girls and one of them was well mad and quite scarey so i thought i'd let her do the talking, i just stood behing her going " yeah! what she said!" and shaking my fist.

We didnt miss a lot tho, and what we saw was incredible, thousands of islands and strange rock formations jutting from the sea, and discarded scenery from the lord of the rings set, well that's what it looked like anyway! it was GORJUS. The boat we slept on was a big old-style sail boat - having missed a lot of sleep through travelling by night i really, really didn't want to sleep on a boat, but there was a mix up at the booking office (again! am starting to wonder if maybe my communication skills with foreigners needs a little ... tweaking?! i thought that the louder you shouted english the more they understood: " NO SLEEPY ON BOATY!! I'VE NOT HAD MUCH SLEEP AND I WANT A HO - TEL!! O - KAY?? WITH A BED!! NO SLEEPY ON ROCKY BOATY WITH WAVESEYS, OKAY! GOOD! See han? Who needs to learn another language when everyone speaks english?). So, worried about not sleeping i used my age old method of assuring a good night's sleep; i downed a lot of the local beer whilst playing made-up card games with han and paul and tibor (If we'd have been playing with money i'd have been rich i tells ya, seems my cards skills, like my pool skills, get better with beer). This did the trick as i was soundo as soon as my head hit the pillow, despite the loud vietnamese TV being played directly above our cabin. Awoke at 8 to find we'd missed brekkie AND seeing the island! so had cold eggs and manky local bread and read my book, sulking, all the way back to land.

No golden arches...anywhere!!

We went on a motorbike tour of hui yesterday, oh - my - god! Remember what i said about the motorbikes and the buses? There are no apparent road rules that i can discern over here, it seems to be a simple hierarchy: trucks and buses rule the road honking their horns to everyone else to make them move or die, then come motorbikes who weave in and out of the road like on them computer games where you have to knock people over and stuff, then come the cyclists, who are the bottom of the ladder, if they don't move over when they hear a honking that's it for them. Crossing the road is an experience itself in vietnam, we were told to just look confident and walk really fast not stopping for no one. Ok, first 2 days we just went miles out of our way to avoid playing froggy on these highways of death, then we get more confident and cross, looking both ways and jumping back if there's owt going too fast to stop. Now I practically walk across with me eyes closed, which does work, they do stop... in the end.
But these motorcyclists today were mentalists! There were about 12 of us, mostly english, sat on the back of a motorbike each, on a tour of hui's pagoda's and citadels, no helmets or nuffink! (they don't need them over here cos they're dead 'ard). One bridge we went over was straight from the italian job, JUST big enough for a motor bike, i felt sorry for the poor cow infront of me, my driver was a maniac and was practically giving this poor girl on a cycle bike wheel burns to get her to hurry up. Although my driver was particularly mental, he insisted on racing to the front of the line at every opportunity like it was some kinda race, and driving through a market, well, i was embarressed: he was just growling at people (mostly old ladies carrying extremely heavy looking baskets on their heads 'oy!' to move them, there's me sat on the back trying to look apologetically at the people he's insulting and nearly running over.)

Just got to hanoi, capital of vietnam (i think) The bus journey was just 12 hours of awful hell, bus was packed, i ended up getting so frustrated i laid in the aisle on the manky floor just to stretch my legs out for an hour! We haven't done much today, tried the local cuisine tho clare, tres nice indeed, cau lau i think it was called? Although I must admit this isn't for want of looking desperately out the bus window through the city for the golden arches. I haven't seen ronald ONCE since i've been in cambodia or vietnam... it'll be nice to get back to bangkok and civilization...

Ant bun

Hey James, that would be excellent to meet up! we're heading to hanoi tonight (another 12 hour night journey... oh god nooooooo!), then to laos and then if we have time chiang mai, but i'll try and get to bangkok by the 21st cos it would be cool to get all the goss from england! when do you leave bangkok for down south?

We just went to the marble mountains in hoi an (seriously people, i don't make names up, but sometimes, when i can't be arsed to look at the lonely planet and hannah's not around to ask, i just guess names, so sorry for any misinformation, like, we were laying on the beach after the course and these thai islands all sound the same to me, so i was like "hannah... where are we? are we on koh lanta?" "...no katy, that's in the south of thailand, we're further up on an island called koh samet" "oh, ok, just checkin'" .

So anyway, we've just been to the marble mountains, here in hui ne (or whatever) very impressive, indiana jones type caves to wander through, very cool, again, not realisig a lot of trekking would be involved and physically squeezing through some tight crevices in caves, i wore my pissing flip flops nearly causing another near death experience. Then we went on a river cruise where due to a mix up (i think i gave the booking centre the wrong room number) we got a whole boat to ourselves cos we were late, and i gave the driver a cigarette cos i was having one, and then he let me drive the boat! and then while i was driving the boat he gave me a massage... this is the second back massage i've had off some random bloke, i was waiting for me food in a street restaurant in saigon and a bloke came up and gave me a five minute neck massage! i think he wanted money but i pretended i didn't understand and he went away in the end...

Also I've just been measured for a silk top, hand made here in hoi an for like 7 dolla, but am kinda regretting it cos i found out that it's only a grand for a boob job over here...
Ok clare, i think i'm gonna have to branch out my eating habits, just had spagetti with tomatoe... i can think of nothing more boring so tomorrow me and han are gonna eat from the street stalls, i'm just gonna just plump for whatever's on offer cos you can't order in english so it's really hard to say "no meat, and not too spicy, and i'm not that into pepper, and easy on them minging green things you put in EVERYTHING over here... thanks". Hannah tried something new on out bus journey tho.
On the bus journey from phnom peng to saigon we were staaaaarving by the 3rd hour cos we'd had no brekkie, so we got off the bus, and after stepping over the one legged tramp begging for money and ushering away the little girls asking for food or money (i did have a pang here, they were only young and just wanted a bun from us, not even money!) we bought and shared some tasty looking buns from these street urchins (well, you've gotta do all you can haven't you... ahem) Anyway, I'm munching on mine and Han's half way through hers and she looks down and there's an ant on it, so she's like, 'eau' and flicks it off and carries on eating, then decides to open it up and inside it's CRAWLING with ickle ants !! hee hee, i couldn't stop laughing, this caused some locals to look round and they're giggling aswell, and han's looking mortified, i'm like "come on chill out, it's nutritious!" for which i get a withering look, so she's gonna throw it out the window, and i'm like,
"nooooo! there's people staaaarving out there! and you're gonna throw perfectly good food away?" and she's like
"it's not perfectly good, its got bloody ants all over it"
"well i'm sure those poor starving people out there wouldn't turn their nose up at it, they're like starving marvin"
So i force han to get off the bus, in full view of everyone, and she goes over to the one legged tramp and puts the ant bun very apologetically in his cap he's holding out for money, he looks down at it, looks up at her as if she's put a turd in his hat, and deliberatley takes it out and hands it back to her!! well! the cheek! you try and do a good deed, "let them eat cake" an' all that, so now han doesn't listen to me at all, i don't blame her.
And then today, she orders an orange juice and THAT'S got dead ants in it!!! MINGING! hee hee!

The BEST Bar In The World...Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever

We went on a boat trip the day before yesterday, went snorkelling and saw dorey but not nemo, had some lunch, and then... I found my heaven.
Little did I know it would be so simple, such a pure idea, just off the coast of nha trang in vietnam. The boat crew were absolute mentalists, they were 4 vietnamese blokes and they did the most moving rendition of 'welcome to the hotel california' using only an electric guitar, drums made of old containers, a tambourine and a microphone, honestly, it was beautiful, they put such effort into it. They were taking the piss the whole boat trip, telling us there were sharks, but they were vegetarian, and that the host was available for the ladiees, and one of them had on novelty glasses and a coconut bra and he was available for the men, their version of a ladyboy. Anyway after the lunch and the concert performance they talked of a 'happy hour', and i was thinking 'oy oy! here we go!'. Little did i guess at the exquisite pleasure ahead.
The 'ladyboy' (he took great pains to point out later to us girlies that he certainly was NOT a ladyboy and was also available for the laydeez!) then threw a life ring into the water, lowered a case of mulberry vino and some cigarettes into it, then himself, and was being towed behind the boat on rope. So now we jump into the water, grab our own life ring, into it arse first, and hook our feet under his makeshift 'bar', and he serves us fortified wine, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!! Then he gets out the ciggies and sparks one up for the smokers and we laze in the life ring, slopping wine and fag ash into the ocean and contemplating how feckin' cool this is!! Good lord, I thought I'd seen everything at nana plaza in bangkok ("lady supermarket" as the lads on the course termed it... gross!).
This is definitely the finest and most unusual bar in the world, even tho it's health and safety standards leave much to be desired (alcohol? hot sun? water??? ... that was a larf getting back on the boat i can tell yous!).

So I no longer want to be a teacher, i'm going to turn that raft just off of greenhill in weymouth into a bar. Failing that, after our trip up here through the countryside I now want to be a vietnamese goat herder. The journey here was long and I got sick of my book so just stared out the window, and what a life they have man! Ushering a not too large flock of goats through rocky mountains and green paddyfields, retrieving the occasional lost stray goat from a stream or a neighbour's field, swinging in my hammock when it's too hot to be out in the sun (between the hours of 11am and 4pm). Mmmmmm.... goat herder.
And you see the strangest mix of rural and commercial. There are huts made of bamboo with thatched roofs, and you drive past, and they've got a feckin wide screen tv in there with their version of chris tarrant! I am a little disappointed in the goat herder for that... I dunno, i just expected more pastoral pastimes of them than 'Who wants to be a millionaire?'. And I am sooo sick of david beckham's smarmy face popping up in the most unusual places advertising bloody pepsi (i wouldn't mind if it was coke, but not that watery devils piss). You'll be driving through a rural village, admiring the pools of waterlilies and paddyfields, then suddenly there he is, smiling smugly at you from a shop front's roof, smarmy get. Nestle, tiger beer, and pantene are also corporate culprits, you just can't get away from them.

Vietnamese Willy Wonka

Hey all, the internet is screwed up over here at the moment, is it the same over there? it's taken me 20 minutes to get here so am gona have to rush through this.
hey claire fraggle and bruv, welcome to the madness.
I want to apologise again to Macaroni cos i feel guilty cos i am a controlling facist and censored his speech and feel really bad now. So have decided from now on no matter how rude or tasteless I will not tamper with other people's posts, but please bear in mind that i am of a fragile and sensetive disposition, and my sensibilities are easily offended by all things which 'a lady' would find unteneble, being as i am, a lady. So from now on this is an uncensored site, i shall not be a tyrannical overlord of the site censoring free speech, neither shall i remove offensive posts, neither shall i judge, or criticize.

So i sooooo haven't got time to put everything we've done in vietnam since cambodia. We are bombing it up the coast missing loads of good shit cos we've got no money and really should be getting a job soon... i s'pose. We're in hoi an at the moment, just got here after a 12 hour journey from da trang.

We went on a Mekong river tour a couple of days ago (one day before the outbreak of bird flu... how lucky is that??). That was amazing, people living on boats and stuff.. and we saw the vietnamese equivalent of charlie's chocolate factory, like a honey farm that produced sweets and wine, and we ate the sweets straight from the production line and everything, and i plunged my finger into a bee's nest and ate the honey straight from their lair! (photographic evidence of this can bee seen on my return), mmmm, sweet sweet honey! the bees didn't even sting or anything, and the bee keeper wore no mask - neither did i, they must be soft the bees over here, just letting me waltz into their home and sneak out honey.

Then we came to muin ne in vietnam - dull as ARSS!! But we did go sand dune sledging ... and AGAIN with the frickin' children! I would like to retract my original sweeping generalisation about cambodian children and open it up to include ALL children EVERYWHERE. My faith in the mini-people of the world has completely vanished as i watched another one working hannah (who, unlike tollick, has a heart of gold... very malleable and squidgy gold at that) This little girl turned on the waterworks and hannah crumbled like a... very... crumbly biscuit! I was like "Noooooooo, no more money! she's a pro han, they're tears of the crocodile variety!!" bus it was too late and the little girl walked away larfin, and AGAIN i got the evil child shouting rudenesses at me.

Anywhoo, after the sledging we walked along a river to see a waterfall... waterfall my ARSE! it was like 2km to this river and there i was boiling in the midday sun, all dusty and dreaming of just jumping in this waterfall when i got there. When i got there "waterfall" was a blatant exaggeration. 'Water trip' maybe? or 'Mud trickle' would be more appropriate i think.

Oh, and here's a sample of the menu we got for tea yesterday...i think you'll agree the squid salad was the safest bet.
ran tan thuoc - grilled snake with cheese herbs (aye?? what's cheese herbs?)
tho ap chao - curried rabbit (well, a bit gross)
chon muop huog - baked intestines of weasel... (say no more)
canh ga chien muoe mam - ahhh! at last! fried chicken ... oh no, it's in 'fish sauce' what the...? WHY for the love of god would you put fish sauce on chicken??
this is my favourite:
ca loc hap bau - crispy fried snake head (mmmmmmm, delish)
I wish i could tell you i tried at least one of these but alas i am a complete wuss with all things culinary and i went for the 'chips and salad'.

I've run out of time, and don't know when i'll fnid another net cafe with access, it really is shyte atthe moment, is it vietnam or everywhere?

see ya.

Cambodia's Worst Bus Journeys, # 1

Hey you guys, I just wanna say in the cheesiest way possible thanks for posting. Hello Kez, long time no speaky, just need Claire and Von on now and we'll be steamin'!

So we made it to Cambodia. I avoided the mines by sitting with my legs and eyes crossed the whole journey and not drinking for 2 days before. Hannah however was a different matter. We're travelling with 2 English girls at the moment and Gemma needed the toilet and Han was kinda squirming but really didn't want to brave the wilderness and pee freely. I was sat there proudly and defiantly not thinking of my bladder cos I hadn't drunk anything for 2 days - also we'd JUST had a PROPER toilet stop with a PROPER toilet (well proper for cambodia - squat down-type thing complete with a squadron of flies and no bog roll, I now go NOWHERE without my own extensive supply of andrex), so it turns out the lonely planet is a tad out of date at 4 years old and Cambodia has progressed since then and they have a "few" public toilets (they were right about the bus journey tho, more about that later). So Gemma really needs the bog, and Hannah's thinking about it and Gemma's egging hannah on and tempting her with bog roll and a rather large opaque bush not far from the bus that they could hide behind - Cambodians by the way, not so shy, one old lady (and I mean OLD) just got out and squatted next to the bus! I averted my eyes in respect - but am now broadcasting it over the world wide web, hee hee!! So han caves in and they leg it to this bush, jumping over nettles and stuff, and they braved the bombs, but i did not envy these 2 pioneers of the toilet.

The bus journey was pure nightmare material. The bus itself gave new meaning to the word rickety, I think it was made in the 1700's before suspension was a concept to consider. It was full to the brim with Cambodian people, there was a family of 5 Cambodians on the 2 seats infront of us bless 'em. We set off at 7.30am at got there at 9 P bloody M, that's, like, um, LOADS AND LOADS of hours sat on this awful bus that reminded me of a ride called the 'Shaker' at Portland fair which basically you sat on with no seat belt and it jiggles you violently up and down until someone on the ride breaks a bone or falls off and cracks their head open, or something, I think it was banned eventually. Imagine that ride, on acid, and in the pitch black, and you can nearly understand the horror of this journey....nearly.
Fuck knows how the driver knew where we were going, all I could see when I looked out the front was a swirl of dust infront of the headlights and the occasional beam of light from a motorbike which would come straight at us for ages and swerve aside at the last possible moment. It's like a constant battle of nerves between the vehicles here, no lanes, it's like, 'he who dares', although the buses ALWAYS win and the motor bikes wimp out, purely for logostical tho, who's gonna come off worse?

But it was all bloody worth it, we went to Angkor Wat yesterday which is a lot of old ruined buddhist buildings i think ( it was where TOMBRAIDER was filmed!! ANGELINA JOLIE'S been there!! that is my extensive knowledge of the temples... check me out, I could work for lonely planet me, I'm dead cultured I am.) Anyway these buildings were pure eye candy for the soul, you wander round these temples that were pillaged by Pol Pot who cut all the heads and hands off the statues... but still, the vastness of the buildings and the detail of the engravings just blows you away. And they let you walk in them and that, and you can TOUCH them, and they're so old! From, like, the 12th century I think, imagine that! I touched something that was carved by another person nearly a thousand years ago! It's amazing, it really is magnificently brilliantly majestically amazing. Oh my god, we climbed up this one temple tho and i nearly DIED, I swear to god. It was really high up, and i just followed the others and started climbing cos it didn't look that high or steep and hannah was infront of me and i'm harder than her anyway so if she could do it i could, didn't even think about it, but got half way up and just panicked and nearly froze, I am such a GIRRRRL. It was steps but they were sooooo sheer it was basically rock climbing, Von would have loved it. So i'm three quarters of the way up and you know when you've started something and you've gone to far to go back, and you realise you may not be able to do it? i just got petrified, which leads in my case to sweating profusely, which leads to wet hands and feet, and slippery hands and flip flops in sweaty feet ain't the most suitable way to climp buildings is it? So i got to the last step, heart racing, thinking 'if i just leant back a few degress i would fall and DIE, OMIGODOMIGODOMIGODOMIGODOMIGODOMID', and then my bloody flip flop fell off on the last step and by this time i'm nearly cryering like a babby, so some random bloke at the top sees this and grabs my bag so i can grab my flip flop, get to the top, and kiss the sweet, sweet flat horizontally flat floor of the temple and thank god i'm alive, they must have thought i was some kinda strange western religious zealot or somthing. The way down was not quite so steep, and it had a handrail, but it WAS more embarressing. There was a group of cambodians at the bottom who's sole raison d'etre is to larf their arses off at the fat sweaty westerners coming down these deadly steep steps. Unlucklily for me I followed a sprightly young Cambodian girl of about 12 who skipped down the steps, facing outward, 2 at a time, like she was coming down the steps of her school after classes. Me? After my near fatal climb to the top there was no WAY i was taking any chances, I took off the stoopid sweaty flip flops which nearly cost me my life, put them in my bag which was securely on my back and went down facing the wall, clutching the rail with both sweaty hands as if my life depended on it (which it did) one step at time, both feet firmly planted on one step before bracing myself to put my foot down to the next step, you know how old biddies come down steps and get out of cars? that was me, no wonder they were laughing their asses off at the bottom... stoopid sprightly child... making me look all slow. Talking of which I'm not getting on very well with the cambodian children. Cambodia's like one of the poorest countries in the world, and you can tell from the kids. As soon as you get off a bus/tuk tuk/ motorbike at the food stalls in the touristy places all these cute little kids (and they ARE SOOOOO cute, Angelina Jolie made the right decision to buy from here, if I ever want cute kids I'll sell my own on the net and buy from here too) they swarm around you, being all sweet and charming, and they're like "what your name? where you from?" and when you say england they're like 'ahhhh ENGLAND' as if it's the best news they've heard EVER "Capital is london, population is 16 million, lovely jubbly ", and it's quite nice at first, all this attention, and they're so sweet and endearing... little did i know they were all EVIL LITTLE FECKERS!! One singled me out - they work on the tourists in packs like wolves you know - they go for the women cos they think we're weak and have nurturing instincts, and it's obvious all they want is money, but they are poor so they can be excused, and they're so cute, but still this does NOT excuse... anyway, so I'm chatting away to this sweet little guy, asking what's cambodian for 'hello' and 'thank-you' cos you know, you have to at LEAST learn that in every country... i've actually forgotten what they are! but i bet he was lying anyway the little... anyway, so i ask where the toilet is and he points and he's like "when you come back you buy 10 postcards, i do good price, 10 for 1 dollar" and i'm quite firm, and hardened to beggars now (even GORGEOUS little kids) so i'm like, "um, no," and then I say bye in cambodian, and we chuckle at my what must be appalling accent together, and i thought that was the last i'd see of him. When i come out the toilet (even got ripped off there, didn't realise you had to pay to pee in a bloody squat bloody toilet! it's a bloody hole in the floor with no chain and no bog roll and she charged me 500 riel for the priviledge! the injustice!). So when I come out the toilet he's waiting for me
"Heeeeeey, Katy!" (they're very clever you know, they have good memories and memorise your name and use this against you to make you think you're special to them, when you're not, ooooh no, you're certainly not!)
" Now you buy post cards?" and I'm like
"no thanks, but thanks for offering"
"oooooh, come on, just one dolla for 10 postcards"
(he's now running along beside me as fast as his little 6 year old legs can carry him)
"no seriously, i have e-mail, i don't need post cards, they're, like, sooooo last century"
"But Katy! I show you where toilet is, you SAY you buy post card when you come out", I smile politely and carry on walking
"no I didn't, but thanks"
"Oh - my - god, KATY!!" (as if what I just said cut him to the core, or mortally wounded him or something!)
"I can't belive this! Oh my god, you SAID, you SAID you'd buy postcard" (I'm slighty pissed off at this little brat that won't leave me alone now, I return to the group I came with who are also each being harrangued by evil dwarves disguised as adorable little innocent (hah!) children)
"No really, I don't have a dollar and I don't want any postcards"
(This is when he turns all psycho on me)
"OH MY GOD, I don't belieeeve this, I show you where toilet is, I WAIT for you outside for long time (he's exaggerating, I was in there for a perfectly normal amount of time... honestly)
"and now you now buy post card?" - giving me ONE last chance before he shows his true colours
"no - thanks - no - post - card"
so here it comes:
"You evil fucking liar sir"
These are the ACTUAL words that came from his mouth! They were said kinda quietly but REAAAAALLY evilly and quite chilling actually, coming from the mouth of an innocent! I couldn't believe it, i was like
"Excuse me? WHAT did you just say?"
"fucking liar. fucking bad lady"
So I called over han cos I couldn't believe this! I was like:
"Hannah, hannah, come and listen to this!!"
So hannah wrestles herself away from her not-so-evil little girl who's trying to sell her water, and he shamelessly said it again, and she was equally horrified. We were absolutely pissing ourselves, which made him MORE angry and malicious, and all the walk back to the tuk tuk he was like, walking beside me and saying this stuff! It was soooo surreal. So now I don't trust any cambodian child, cos it happened again. Today, when i wouldn't buy a lonely planet book of asia, even after i showed him i already had a lonely planet book of asia, i think this one called me a "fucking crazy lady". Now I'm not averse to swearing, I think when used correctly,it's very emphatic, like, when used for... emphasizing... stuff, but coming from a kid it just ain't right! I think it will even take me a while to trust any child EVER again! Even in England. They shall have to prove they are not from the dark side before we even strike up a conversation. Little feckers.

Toilet Bomb

We've just got back from Koh Samet where I'm ashamed to say I got very bored of laying on the beach doing bugger all... I can't believe it, it just ain't natural. Mind you it was completely full of loved up couples on their honeymoon (that was quite depressing to see when you're travelling with your sister) minging fat old western blokes with little Thai women, and german families, not exactly my idea of party people. So we've come back to Bangkok, and we're going for an adventure in Laos, Cambodia and Vietnam now. I think adventure is what we'll find, this is what the lonely planet says about travelling in Laos, let alone doing anything else:

"Cramped, overloaded and extremely slow, the buses can be a profound test of endurance and patience. Flat tyres and breakdowns are frequent and, during the rainy season, unpaved roads dissolve into puddles of mud, slowing buses to a crawl" (ok, I've travelled with British rail, I can handle slow and unreliable, not too bad a bit of mud, ok, but this is the bit that kills me:) "As there are no public toilets in Laos, passengers relieve themselves by the road during breaks on long journeys (e - a - u, not quite so comfortable with this, maybe I won't drink the 2 days before we travel, but it gets worse:) "Lao women usually go further into the bushes on such occasions. Keep in mind that some areas still have unexploded ordanance about from the second Indochina War, so it's not a good idea to go too far off the road" WHATTHEHELL??? Ain't no way I'm risking being blown to bits for a toilet stop, honestly, that's just a little too close for comfort for me, I'm off to boots tomorrow to buy a nappy. Don't care what I look like.

We stayed on Khao san road for the past 2 nights, that was interesting, lots of westeners getting dreads and plaits (why??????) and wondering around like loved up tree hugging hippies. Me and Han met an excellent pair of Australians Tamasin and Aland, they were funny as a fart - brother and sister and constrantly ripping the piss out of eachother. We were sharing a bucket on the streets on Khao San (bucket = samsong whiskey, coke and red bull... mmmmmmmm, dribble dribble). Wish I could show you the photo I got, Hannah's posing nicely, straw in hand, whilst I'm there straw in mouth look intent on sucking ALL the alcohol out of the bucket whilst Han's distracted by the camera! I loved the sign they had to entice you to drink there too, handwritten: "Very strong cocktails, no ID required" Good lord if I'd seen that when I was 14 I'd have thought I'd died and gone to heaven! The street stalls are fantastic if not the most hygenic in the world, the food we get is like 30p for vegetable fried rice, and the drinks are even better, 50 bahts for a STRONG vodka and sprite, that's like 80p or something, it's bloody fantastic!

Anywhoo, enough of the amazing price of alcohol, I'm off to look for a job, s'pose the dream's gotta end some time.

Keep in touch

Katy