The BEST Bar In The World...Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever

We went on a boat trip the day before yesterday, went snorkelling and saw dorey but not nemo, had some lunch, and then... I found my heaven.
Little did I know it would be so simple, such a pure idea, just off the coast of nha trang in vietnam. The boat crew were absolute mentalists, they were 4 vietnamese blokes and they did the most moving rendition of 'welcome to the hotel california' using only an electric guitar, drums made of old containers, a tambourine and a microphone, honestly, it was beautiful, they put such effort into it. They were taking the piss the whole boat trip, telling us there were sharks, but they were vegetarian, and that the host was available for the ladiees, and one of them had on novelty glasses and a coconut bra and he was available for the men, their version of a ladyboy. Anyway after the lunch and the concert performance they talked of a 'happy hour', and i was thinking 'oy oy! here we go!'. Little did i guess at the exquisite pleasure ahead.
The 'ladyboy' (he took great pains to point out later to us girlies that he certainly was NOT a ladyboy and was also available for the laydeez!) then threw a life ring into the water, lowered a case of mulberry vino and some cigarettes into it, then himself, and was being towed behind the boat on rope. So now we jump into the water, grab our own life ring, into it arse first, and hook our feet under his makeshift 'bar', and he serves us fortified wine, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!! Then he gets out the ciggies and sparks one up for the smokers and we laze in the life ring, slopping wine and fag ash into the ocean and contemplating how feckin' cool this is!! Good lord, I thought I'd seen everything at nana plaza in bangkok ("lady supermarket" as the lads on the course termed it... gross!).
This is definitely the finest and most unusual bar in the world, even tho it's health and safety standards leave much to be desired (alcohol? hot sun? water??? ... that was a larf getting back on the boat i can tell yous!).

So I no longer want to be a teacher, i'm going to turn that raft just off of greenhill in weymouth into a bar. Failing that, after our trip up here through the countryside I now want to be a vietnamese goat herder. The journey here was long and I got sick of my book so just stared out the window, and what a life they have man! Ushering a not too large flock of goats through rocky mountains and green paddyfields, retrieving the occasional lost stray goat from a stream or a neighbour's field, swinging in my hammock when it's too hot to be out in the sun (between the hours of 11am and 4pm). Mmmmmm.... goat herder.
And you see the strangest mix of rural and commercial. There are huts made of bamboo with thatched roofs, and you drive past, and they've got a feckin wide screen tv in there with their version of chris tarrant! I am a little disappointed in the goat herder for that... I dunno, i just expected more pastoral pastimes of them than 'Who wants to be a millionaire?'. And I am sooo sick of david beckham's smarmy face popping up in the most unusual places advertising bloody pepsi (i wouldn't mind if it was coke, but not that watery devils piss). You'll be driving through a rural village, admiring the pools of waterlilies and paddyfields, then suddenly there he is, smiling smugly at you from a shop front's roof, smarmy get. Nestle, tiger beer, and pantene are also corporate culprits, you just can't get away from them.