Cambodia's Worst Bus Journeys, # 1

Hey you guys, I just wanna say in the cheesiest way possible thanks for posting. Hello Kez, long time no speaky, just need Claire and Von on now and we'll be steamin'!

So we made it to Cambodia. I avoided the mines by sitting with my legs and eyes crossed the whole journey and not drinking for 2 days before. Hannah however was a different matter. We're travelling with 2 English girls at the moment and Gemma needed the toilet and Han was kinda squirming but really didn't want to brave the wilderness and pee freely. I was sat there proudly and defiantly not thinking of my bladder cos I hadn't drunk anything for 2 days - also we'd JUST had a PROPER toilet stop with a PROPER toilet (well proper for cambodia - squat down-type thing complete with a squadron of flies and no bog roll, I now go NOWHERE without my own extensive supply of andrex), so it turns out the lonely planet is a tad out of date at 4 years old and Cambodia has progressed since then and they have a "few" public toilets (they were right about the bus journey tho, more about that later). So Gemma really needs the bog, and Hannah's thinking about it and Gemma's egging hannah on and tempting her with bog roll and a rather large opaque bush not far from the bus that they could hide behind - Cambodians by the way, not so shy, one old lady (and I mean OLD) just got out and squatted next to the bus! I averted my eyes in respect - but am now broadcasting it over the world wide web, hee hee!! So han caves in and they leg it to this bush, jumping over nettles and stuff, and they braved the bombs, but i did not envy these 2 pioneers of the toilet.

The bus journey was pure nightmare material. The bus itself gave new meaning to the word rickety, I think it was made in the 1700's before suspension was a concept to consider. It was full to the brim with Cambodian people, there was a family of 5 Cambodians on the 2 seats infront of us bless 'em. We set off at 7.30am at got there at 9 P bloody M, that's, like, um, LOADS AND LOADS of hours sat on this awful bus that reminded me of a ride called the 'Shaker' at Portland fair which basically you sat on with no seat belt and it jiggles you violently up and down until someone on the ride breaks a bone or falls off and cracks their head open, or something, I think it was banned eventually. Imagine that ride, on acid, and in the pitch black, and you can nearly understand the horror of this journey....nearly.
Fuck knows how the driver knew where we were going, all I could see when I looked out the front was a swirl of dust infront of the headlights and the occasional beam of light from a motorbike which would come straight at us for ages and swerve aside at the last possible moment. It's like a constant battle of nerves between the vehicles here, no lanes, it's like, 'he who dares', although the buses ALWAYS win and the motor bikes wimp out, purely for logostical tho, who's gonna come off worse?

But it was all bloody worth it, we went to Angkor Wat yesterday which is a lot of old ruined buddhist buildings i think ( it was where TOMBRAIDER was filmed!! ANGELINA JOLIE'S been there!! that is my extensive knowledge of the temples... check me out, I could work for lonely planet me, I'm dead cultured I am.) Anyway these buildings were pure eye candy for the soul, you wander round these temples that were pillaged by Pol Pot who cut all the heads and hands off the statues... but still, the vastness of the buildings and the detail of the engravings just blows you away. And they let you walk in them and that, and you can TOUCH them, and they're so old! From, like, the 12th century I think, imagine that! I touched something that was carved by another person nearly a thousand years ago! It's amazing, it really is magnificently brilliantly majestically amazing. Oh my god, we climbed up this one temple tho and i nearly DIED, I swear to god. It was really high up, and i just followed the others and started climbing cos it didn't look that high or steep and hannah was infront of me and i'm harder than her anyway so if she could do it i could, didn't even think about it, but got half way up and just panicked and nearly froze, I am such a GIRRRRL. It was steps but they were sooooo sheer it was basically rock climbing, Von would have loved it. So i'm three quarters of the way up and you know when you've started something and you've gone to far to go back, and you realise you may not be able to do it? i just got petrified, which leads in my case to sweating profusely, which leads to wet hands and feet, and slippery hands and flip flops in sweaty feet ain't the most suitable way to climp buildings is it? So i got to the last step, heart racing, thinking 'if i just leant back a few degress i would fall and DIE, OMIGODOMIGODOMIGODOMIGODOMIGODOMID', and then my bloody flip flop fell off on the last step and by this time i'm nearly cryering like a babby, so some random bloke at the top sees this and grabs my bag so i can grab my flip flop, get to the top, and kiss the sweet, sweet flat horizontally flat floor of the temple and thank god i'm alive, they must have thought i was some kinda strange western religious zealot or somthing. The way down was not quite so steep, and it had a handrail, but it WAS more embarressing. There was a group of cambodians at the bottom who's sole raison d'etre is to larf their arses off at the fat sweaty westerners coming down these deadly steep steps. Unlucklily for me I followed a sprightly young Cambodian girl of about 12 who skipped down the steps, facing outward, 2 at a time, like she was coming down the steps of her school after classes. Me? After my near fatal climb to the top there was no WAY i was taking any chances, I took off the stoopid sweaty flip flops which nearly cost me my life, put them in my bag which was securely on my back and went down facing the wall, clutching the rail with both sweaty hands as if my life depended on it (which it did) one step at time, both feet firmly planted on one step before bracing myself to put my foot down to the next step, you know how old biddies come down steps and get out of cars? that was me, no wonder they were laughing their asses off at the bottom... stoopid sprightly child... making me look all slow. Talking of which I'm not getting on very well with the cambodian children. Cambodia's like one of the poorest countries in the world, and you can tell from the kids. As soon as you get off a bus/tuk tuk/ motorbike at the food stalls in the touristy places all these cute little kids (and they ARE SOOOOO cute, Angelina Jolie made the right decision to buy from here, if I ever want cute kids I'll sell my own on the net and buy from here too) they swarm around you, being all sweet and charming, and they're like "what your name? where you from?" and when you say england they're like 'ahhhh ENGLAND' as if it's the best news they've heard EVER "Capital is london, population is 16 million, lovely jubbly ", and it's quite nice at first, all this attention, and they're so sweet and endearing... little did i know they were all EVIL LITTLE FECKERS!! One singled me out - they work on the tourists in packs like wolves you know - they go for the women cos they think we're weak and have nurturing instincts, and it's obvious all they want is money, but they are poor so they can be excused, and they're so cute, but still this does NOT excuse... anyway, so I'm chatting away to this sweet little guy, asking what's cambodian for 'hello' and 'thank-you' cos you know, you have to at LEAST learn that in every country... i've actually forgotten what they are! but i bet he was lying anyway the little... anyway, so i ask where the toilet is and he points and he's like "when you come back you buy 10 postcards, i do good price, 10 for 1 dollar" and i'm quite firm, and hardened to beggars now (even GORGEOUS little kids) so i'm like, "um, no," and then I say bye in cambodian, and we chuckle at my what must be appalling accent together, and i thought that was the last i'd see of him. When i come out the toilet (even got ripped off there, didn't realise you had to pay to pee in a bloody squat bloody toilet! it's a bloody hole in the floor with no chain and no bog roll and she charged me 500 riel for the priviledge! the injustice!). So when I come out the toilet he's waiting for me
"Heeeeeey, Katy!" (they're very clever you know, they have good memories and memorise your name and use this against you to make you think you're special to them, when you're not, ooooh no, you're certainly not!)
" Now you buy post cards?" and I'm like
"no thanks, but thanks for offering"
"oooooh, come on, just one dolla for 10 postcards"
(he's now running along beside me as fast as his little 6 year old legs can carry him)
"no seriously, i have e-mail, i don't need post cards, they're, like, sooooo last century"
"But Katy! I show you where toilet is, you SAY you buy post card when you come out", I smile politely and carry on walking
"no I didn't, but thanks"
"Oh - my - god, KATY!!" (as if what I just said cut him to the core, or mortally wounded him or something!)
"I can't belive this! Oh my god, you SAID, you SAID you'd buy postcard" (I'm slighty pissed off at this little brat that won't leave me alone now, I return to the group I came with who are also each being harrangued by evil dwarves disguised as adorable little innocent (hah!) children)
"No really, I don't have a dollar and I don't want any postcards"
(This is when he turns all psycho on me)
"OH MY GOD, I don't belieeeve this, I show you where toilet is, I WAIT for you outside for long time (he's exaggerating, I was in there for a perfectly normal amount of time... honestly)
"and now you now buy post card?" - giving me ONE last chance before he shows his true colours
"no - thanks - no - post - card"
so here it comes:
"You evil fucking liar sir"
These are the ACTUAL words that came from his mouth! They were said kinda quietly but REAAAAALLY evilly and quite chilling actually, coming from the mouth of an innocent! I couldn't believe it, i was like
"Excuse me? WHAT did you just say?"
"fucking liar. fucking bad lady"
So I called over han cos I couldn't believe this! I was like:
"Hannah, hannah, come and listen to this!!"
So hannah wrestles herself away from her not-so-evil little girl who's trying to sell her water, and he shamelessly said it again, and she was equally horrified. We were absolutely pissing ourselves, which made him MORE angry and malicious, and all the walk back to the tuk tuk he was like, walking beside me and saying this stuff! It was soooo surreal. So now I don't trust any cambodian child, cos it happened again. Today, when i wouldn't buy a lonely planet book of asia, even after i showed him i already had a lonely planet book of asia, i think this one called me a "fucking crazy lady". Now I'm not averse to swearing, I think when used correctly,it's very emphatic, like, when used for... emphasizing... stuff, but coming from a kid it just ain't right! I think it will even take me a while to trust any child EVER again! Even in England. They shall have to prove they are not from the dark side before we even strike up a conversation. Little feckers.