Delirium, Bears, and Immigration

So i was going to tell you about my personal troubles but it seems some of you find the little details "gross" and "grimy", ooooooh! well fine! i shall keep them to myself! Suffice it to say i've had to run out of this internet cafe twice since i've been here... not feeling well AT ALL. On the plus side i've lost a LOT of weight over the past 2 days of not eating... I had to run around in the shower yesterday to try and get wet. (By the way I haven't eaten for 2 days and only slept for 4 hours the past 2 nights so may be a little delirious, please excuse any lack of coherence and lucidity in this post)

The waterfalls in luom pabengh (omygod, i'm glad none of the locals are looking over my shoulder - that is SUCH bad spelling and i've actually been there now so there's no excuse) were, as expected, spectacular... well you can't really expect stuff like that, it's just mind-boglingly beautiful, was a little strange walking round on me tod tho. I was s'posed to go with a bunch of belgiums but they still weren't up at bloody 10am (i'd been waiting since 8am) so i set out on me own cos i had to be back to get the bus to vien vingh bling blong blah blah.
It was strange cos i got there before all the tourists... and everyone in the world it seemed, and was wondering round and climbing big hills with very, very big trees and very big leaves and birds or monkeys or something making those squawking sounds like in the jurassic park jungle, and i actually got quite scared! Didn't help that there was some bears and a tiger prowling round in cages at the bottom of the park - what if they broke free? Seriously, bears are fuckin scarey man! like, you can't run away from them can you? with a tiger you could run up a tree and throw sticks at him from above, or jump in the deep water and tread water for a bit, splashing him from afar and laughing, but bears.... they can run fast, they can climb well, they can swim well, and they have like BIG pointy, sharp teeth and claws... i'm gonna stop talking about them now cos i get scared. Then there's the problem of how to look after your stuff whilst swimming when travelling alone, i waded over to an island and dumped it there before heading to the waterfalls, ain't no one touching my preeeecioussssss (digital camera).

I've now arrived back in bangkok on koh san road, it's 7.19am and i have to wait for hannah to wake up and email me instructions on what to do now! thank the lord for hannah! yey! never, ever am i travelling solo again! i just don't have the mental capacity to think ahead, as the following trip from laos to bangkok will prove.

I wanted to get back to bangkok from Laos ASAP cos we're supposedly having a CELTA survivors re-union this weekend, and i think this marred my judgement a little. I got the bus at 1.30pm from vin vien to vientien to then get a train to bangkok. I didn't book the train, just thought i'd turn up (nooooo! hindsight's a shitty shitty thing ain't it?). Arrived at vientien at 5.35, and the bus over the border left at 5.30, I think the bloke actually tried to get me onto the bus as i got off my bus and i was like, "no thank-you, i know where i'm going" well... you get so many blokes accosting you: 'where you go? you want tuk tuk? you want taxi? you want sexy DVD?'. Anyway, so i went back to the hostel i stayed at and the owner 'kindly' drove me to the border (extortionate price! 4 quid!! doesn't sound much but to put it into perspective my 3 and a half hour journey cos a quid less than this 20 minute one). So after queuing for aaages i try to go through immigration - by the way, that is such a larf over here! they're all outdoors and i'm sure if i wanted i could run round the back of the building and sneak into thailand without a passport!! i saw a stray dog saunter through the barrier! was dead jealous. Anyway turns out i haven't filled out the entry form so have to go get one and queue up AGAIN, it's now 6.33 and the train leaves at 7.20. I finally get through and smuggle 15kgs of cocaine with a street value of 15m into the country...well, i COULD have if i'd wanted, no dogs, no frisking, didn't even look at my back pack, the 'security' just carried on smoking as i went through.
And there's a shuttle bus to the train station so i pay and spot the one western-looking person in the place (an old french guy) and run over to him, and i'm like
'where you off to?'
'the train station'
'bangkok?'
'yes' (i breath a sigh of relief, i'm not the only one)
'oh, me too!! do you have a ticket?'
'i am afraid no, and i only have 30 minutes, i don't know if i will make it'
'OH!! ME TOO!!' (See? i'm not the only clueless traveller!)
'So can i pay in kip at the train station?' i ask (kip is laos currency, baht is thai)
'no' (looks at me a little strange) 'this is thailand... baht... you do have baht don't you?'
'um... no, i forgot to get some'(yes, i AM the only cluless traveller in the WORLD)
'So, how you buy ticket?'
'Um, i thought there would be a ATM at the station'
'no'
'oh'
Silence. I ponder asking him to lend me the money, I ponder whether they will have switch at the station (no chance) i ponder selling my preeeeeciousssss (no chance) i ponder climbing onto the top of the train unseen and holding on for dear life for 8 hours.
So i get the shuttle anyway, and enter thailand, then when i get out of arrivals there's no westerners around! a bloke goes 'tuk tuk' and i'm like
'YES PLEASE! THANK-YOU SOOOOO MUCH! i need an ATM and a train to bangkok'
'200 baht to bus station'
'no' i shout louder 'the TRAIN station'
He laughs at me, it's like 7.10pm and there's no way i'm getting on that 7.20 train
'ok, ok bus station, um, i only have kip'
Gives me a look like i'm crazy. Then a guard from the immigration comes over, and i explain i have only 200 kip and i need a bus to bangkok, so he takes my kip off me and gives me 400 baht, which i'm grateful for, but am thinking maybe i was a TAD shortchanged. He sends me off in the 'free' tuk tuk, i'm now seriously worried, don't know where i am or owt! but we go to an ATM and i draw out loads of bahts (not catching me out again!! ohhhhh no), then he takes me to the bus station and points me in the direction of a dodgy looking seller of tickets
'ticket to bangkok?' i ask
'no. Finished'
'oh'
Am feeling a little dejected and lost now, so i walk over to the buses thinking maybe i can stow away on one with bangkok on or something (not really mum, i could have just checked into a hostel!). A lady comes up to me.
'where you go?'
'um, bangkok please?' beginning to think maybe this is just a dream now and i'll never get there
'ok, 350 baht, this one leave at 7.30' (it's 7.33 and the bus is right next to me)
I could have KISSED this little lady!