Teacher wanted, don't mind the BEARS

What I'm about to suggest may be tainted by what I've said so far, especially about the weather and about teaching the children, but let me explain, they're not that bad. Well, actually, part of that is a big fat lie, the weather is actually that bad... it snowed again last weekend, and now walking through the park is hazardous because every now and again you'll hear a crackle and a thud, and a huge chunk of melted ice will fall from the tree as it melts in the sun. But the children aren't so bad, I think it's the 'language barrier', or 'heavy re-inforced language titanium wall' in my case. They're sweet really (one brings me chocolate every week, hee hee! screw the apple and bring on the ferrero rocher! oh yeah! Give that kid a ten point bonus!) Anyway, when i'm talking, i s'pose all they can hear is
"blah blah blah fart blah blah"
Which i s'pose is quite amusing when you're 9 (or me). Like when homer tells santa's little helper off and thinks the dog can understand, and the dogs just sat there vacantly staring at him, hearing:
"BLAH blah, blah blah blah blah BLAH, blah BLAH, BLAH blah blah blah" instead of
"BAD dog, dohnuts not for YOU, for ME, DON'T eat the dohnuts".

So anyway, back to my point, the hours at the school have increased and my boss will need another teacher in January, and I was wondering if anyone wanted to come and live and teach in My Mountains?
You need a degree or teaching experience, or CELTA-type thingy. My boss has asked me to ask round cos the new teacher'll be living and working with me and the other teacher. So what better way to advertise than 'ere?? I shall of course be screening all applicants, and you have to conform to more than 2 of the following:

1) extrememly entertaining with a wit to rival that of the great masters of comedy
2) able to sup and like standing rounds
3) very houseproud, preferably with a penchant for cleaning other peoples mess up and doing their ironing and getting their shopping for them when they're a bit tired from teaching or going out and giving them foot massages when they've had a hard day's teaching.
4) able to translate Scrubbs from italian to english
5) able to describe the difference between the second and third conditional ( apparently it does exist, who'd have thought!) in very slow, detailed, layman's terms being prepared to be asked lots of seemingly pointless and irrelevant questions until comprehension is complete (my comprehension)
6) own and be prepared to bring over a large sound system and DVD player with wide screen tv and an extensive collection of films
7) own and be prepared to bring over and surrender an electric blanket and thermal sleeping bag able to withstand arctic conditions

(Of couse if you're a fit bloke bypass all of the above and send me a photo)

You have my email address, so if anyone fancies it lemme know.

... And don't let this put you off, but i feel it only fair to mention. I asked my students a question that has been bothering me since my arrival in the wilderness of the mountains the other day. Yes, I asked them whether or not there are bears in the mountains... and their reply was affirmative. I know, I know, after my initial reaction of fear and loathing and shaken and distraught at this drastic turn of events, I asked for more information. Apparently in Scanno (beautiful nearby village with stunning lake) in the summer they come down from the mountains to scavenge. Whilst it took me a long time to process this information and overcome my instinct to run from the classroom to the bus stop, catch the next bus to rome and fly home, I have now come to terms with the fact and rationalised that if I see a bear, which they were emphatic is highly unlikely, my flight instinct will overcome my fight instinct and I'll grab the nearest person to me (preferably a frail old lady) shove her towards the beast, and fly like the wind.