Teacher wanted, don't mind the BEARS

What I'm about to suggest may be tainted by what I've said so far, especially about the weather and about teaching the children, but let me explain, they're not that bad. Well, actually, part of that is a big fat lie, the weather is actually that bad... it snowed again last weekend, and now walking through the park is hazardous because every now and again you'll hear a crackle and a thud, and a huge chunk of melted ice will fall from the tree as it melts in the sun. But the children aren't so bad, I think it's the 'language barrier', or 'heavy re-inforced language titanium wall' in my case. They're sweet really (one brings me chocolate every week, hee hee! screw the apple and bring on the ferrero rocher! oh yeah! Give that kid a ten point bonus!) Anyway, when i'm talking, i s'pose all they can hear is
"blah blah blah fart blah blah"
Which i s'pose is quite amusing when you're 9 (or me). Like when homer tells santa's little helper off and thinks the dog can understand, and the dogs just sat there vacantly staring at him, hearing:
"BLAH blah, blah blah blah blah BLAH, blah BLAH, BLAH blah blah blah" instead of
"BAD dog, dohnuts not for YOU, for ME, DON'T eat the dohnuts".

So anyway, back to my point, the hours at the school have increased and my boss will need another teacher in January, and I was wondering if anyone wanted to come and live and teach in My Mountains?
You need a degree or teaching experience, or CELTA-type thingy. My boss has asked me to ask round cos the new teacher'll be living and working with me and the other teacher. So what better way to advertise than 'ere?? I shall of course be screening all applicants, and you have to conform to more than 2 of the following:

1) extrememly entertaining with a wit to rival that of the great masters of comedy
2) able to sup and like standing rounds
3) very houseproud, preferably with a penchant for cleaning other peoples mess up and doing their ironing and getting their shopping for them when they're a bit tired from teaching or going out and giving them foot massages when they've had a hard day's teaching.
4) able to translate Scrubbs from italian to english
5) able to describe the difference between the second and third conditional ( apparently it does exist, who'd have thought!) in very slow, detailed, layman's terms being prepared to be asked lots of seemingly pointless and irrelevant questions until comprehension is complete (my comprehension)
6) own and be prepared to bring over a large sound system and DVD player with wide screen tv and an extensive collection of films
7) own and be prepared to bring over and surrender an electric blanket and thermal sleeping bag able to withstand arctic conditions

(Of couse if you're a fit bloke bypass all of the above and send me a photo)

You have my email address, so if anyone fancies it lemme know.

... And don't let this put you off, but i feel it only fair to mention. I asked my students a question that has been bothering me since my arrival in the wilderness of the mountains the other day. Yes, I asked them whether or not there are bears in the mountains... and their reply was affirmative. I know, I know, after my initial reaction of fear and loathing and shaken and distraught at this drastic turn of events, I asked for more information. Apparently in Scanno (beautiful nearby village with stunning lake) in the summer they come down from the mountains to scavenge. Whilst it took me a long time to process this information and overcome my instinct to run from the classroom to the bus stop, catch the next bus to rome and fly home, I have now come to terms with the fact and rationalised that if I see a bear, which they were emphatic is highly unlikely, my flight instinct will overcome my fight instinct and I'll grab the nearest person to me (preferably a frail old lady) shove her towards the beast, and fly like the wind.

Scoreggia, scoreggia!

By the way, Hannah pointed out that now it sounds like I have a rash on my arse, but I just want to point out that I don't, I've just been reading some of the other blogs and this seems a common theme for bloggation so I thought I'd use it as an example, it's extremely common to tell people about your ailments and what the doctor has prescribed for them on these bloggers.... what - the - fuck?? Why in the name of Great Odin's raven would you post such details on the internet? Defies belief it does.

Anyway, so now I'm going to tell you about the inane details of my job....
I'm trying to remember a time when I liked my elementary school class of 8 year olds. A time when I didn't get a shiver of fear down my back and break out in a cold sweat when I thought of teaching them. A time when I didn't believe they were sent straight from Valhalla every monday evening to torture me for the one hour a week in which I try in vain to learn them English. The other teacher has to come in and tell them to shut up in Italian sometimes. Last week 2 were whispering "scoreggia" (hadn't got a clue what it meant then) and I was ignoring them, then another heard and said it, then they got more bold and started shouting it, then they were all shouting "scoreggia", "scoreggia", so i was like,
"Stop saying scoreggia please guys" which was of course like throwing oil on a fire, cos they all pointed at me and went
"Waaa haaaa!! Katy say scoreggia!! Katy say scoreggia!! " and I was like:
"Stop it!! Stop saying scoreggia now!" and they were creased up on the floor cos i said it AGAIN, then I start giggling cos Giorgia is actually crying helplessly with hysterical laughter, and it was at this inopportune moment, just as I was laughing at them shouting "scoreggia Katy", that the other teacher chose to walk in and she demands that they stop shouting "fart" so loudly cos it's disturbing her class of upper-intermediate students who are trying to discuss the difference between the second and third conditional (didn't understand this last part of what she said, I think it's a quasi-Italian grammatical term, I've certainly never heard of it.)

It's also a nightmare trying to enforce rules, I made a naughty chair facing the wall, and when one of them was naughty I was gonna sit them in it and do something really fun, like, pictionary or miming, with the other kids (god, don't talk to me about bloody miming, I mimed rooms of the house, i.e. bedroom - mimed lying down on the bed, then kitchen - mimed doing the washing up, then living room - mimed watching TV, and what do i do for bathroom?? The obvious non inflammatory washing your face and armpits?? nope, didn't think of that did I? ... I mimed sitting on the toilet, which they found hilarious, and what ensued every time one of them got up to mime a room, was a competition to see who could do the loudest pooing noise, accompanied by strenuous pushing noises curtesty of the theatrical Lulia.) Anyway, so i tried to explain what the naughty chair was for, and they just didn't capisco, understandably, cos they can't speak english, so they got all confused bless 'em:
Me - "So, whoever's naughty sits on the naughty chair... capisco?"
Them - "Yes katy, I sit on chair??" (Natascia gets up to move to chair)
"No, not yet, you're nice now, if you're naughty you sit on the chair" looking at Angelo
"..Me? sit on chair??" (Angelo moves to sit on the chair)
"No! Not yet!! Not sit on chair now!! Example: if Giorgia is naughty she sits on the chair"
"Aaaah!! Capisco ...... Giorgia, sit on chair now" (Giorgia moves to sit on chair)
"Noooooo no, no, not giorgia sit on chair, only if she's naugty... oh never mind guys.. so, lets draw on the board some more"
"Yey!"